


Troubled Love and High Speed Noise

by whats_sogoodaboutsunshine



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, BAMF Peter Parker, BAMF Wade Wilson, Case Fic, Crime Fighting, Drama, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, Falling In Love, Flirting, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Kissing, M/M, No beta we die like Deadpool, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Slow Burn, Villains
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:20:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24241216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whats_sogoodaboutsunshine/pseuds/whats_sogoodaboutsunshine
Summary: "Help." Peter murmured, his tongue heavy and unwilling to move; thankfully the man in red heard him and... skipped? over to where Peter lay immobilised. From his position on the floor he could make out a typical superhero suit with a belt that held a lot more knives and guns than he thought anyone would ever need in their lifetime. The man had a mask that covered his entire face and 2 more swords that crossed over his back menacingly. He didn't exactly look very friendly contrary to his mannerisms."You look like you've been hurt, Spidey." Excellent observation. Finally Peter mustered the strength to grunt, "Who are you?""The name's Deadpool, don't wear it out~" Deadpool replied, winking with a sultry grin.
Relationships: Peter B. Parker/Wade Wilson, Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Comments: 11
Kudos: 94





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello! sunshine here, i'm in quarantine because of the virus so i decided to write a fic for my favourite ship: spideypool- peter b. parker style! there's a lyric from a panic!at the disco song embedded in every chapter so if you know panic! then you can try to find that, i'll put the name of the song and any references in the end notes of each chapter. please leave a comment or a kudo, i'm a lot of an amateur writer and i love to know what you think! i will be updating this as i write it (but like a chapter ahead because i'm terrible with schedules)  
> thanks ✌️

Peter B. Parker was going through somewhat of a rough patch. His wife and supposed soulmate that he loved with all his heart had divorced him meaning he had to leave the house they had shared for over 2 years and he now rented a trashy yet expensive apartment in the middle of New York. He always felt like he could fall apart at any point as the cold fingers of depression prodded at his mind. The body form he had built up since his teenage years had collapsed as soon as he shovelled the first scoop of pity ice-cream into his mouth. So seeing as life for him had literally fallen apart, you could say he was going through a rough patch, sure. Especially now, as the unknown villain that shot him down mid-swing advanced while he scrambled to his feet. This wasn't exactly the encounter he was expecting on his journey to stress eat as much fast food as his mouth would allow for dinner.

"Could we pick this up another time?"He tried, backing himself into the unhelpfully placed alleyway he'd landed in,

"No offence- I would love to fight you but if it wasn't obvious already I do have a date with a very unhealthy mea-" He narrowly dodged a left hook aimed at his jaw and retreated even further into the alley.

"Ok that was just rude." This was swiftly becoming a problem. He shot 2 webs directly into his pursuer's face causing them to stumble backward into the glow of a night lamp finally giving Peter a look at the person attacking him. He couldn't tell whether they were male or female underneath the dark, heavy-looking suit that they wore and they had a large mask paired with a black glass visor that completely obscured all and any facial features. The electronic gloves on their hands were radiating vivid blue light across the palm and their boots were the same. He was certain he had never seen anyone like this during his patrols before so what were they doing here? Unfortunately he did not have the time to think about this as they pulled a light-saber like weapon from their suit that snapped and cracked with electricity the same blue that coloured their boots and gloves.

"Oh... shit." The villain supposedly intent on killing him surged towards, swinging the light saber with the control and ease of a practiced swordsman, nearly hitting Peter before he leant down, arching his back then coming up and landing a punch to their chest sending them off a few metres where the visor cracked audibly.

"What do you want?" He asked as his attacker ignored the question and came at him again, this time twirling the saber from hand to hand, avoiding making contact with the brightly coloured area and instead grasping the hilt. Peter moved to meet them closer to the entrance of the alley to give himself more space, before attempting to smother the saber in webs. As soon as they came within a few centimetres of it, streaks of light lashed out and disintegrated them instantly. Confused, he dodged another swing and tried to catch them off guard by kicking his leg out to knock them over; his move was quickly blocked and he soon found himself on the ground staring up at them as they unrelentingly raised their weapon and brought it down upon him with all their strength. Peter threw his hands up at the last second and wrapped them around the saber. He felt like he had been set aflame. The fissures of energy hit him like a strike to the face and his entire body jolted and shook as he instantly let go and collapsed onto the ground, his ears ringing and fingers twitching uncontrollably. The unexpectedness of his actions had the baton exploding backwards while taking the aggressor with it. Unable to move, he could only hear what sounded like the person trying to kill him getting hit in the helmet with some kind of heavy object multiple times before thudding onto the ground. Floating in and out of consciousness he feebly raised his head to see a figure in mostly red dropping a heavily dented chair that someone must have thrown out making a 'cleaning hands' motion.

"Help." He murmured, his tongue heavy and unwilling to move; thankfully the man in red heard him and... skipped? over to where Peter lay immobilised. From his position on the floor he could make out a typical superhero suit with a belt that held a lot more knives and guns than he thought anyone would ever need in their lifetime. The man had a mask that covered his entire face and 2 more swords that crossed over his back menacingly. He didn't exactly look very friendly contrary to his mannerisms.

"My God what happened to you? You've got these... blue things zipping all over you!" If he could talk he would be questioning the joyful tone this random guy had taken upon finding him but he settled for an eloquent groan of pain. Where's his healing factor when he needs it?

"You look like you've been hurt, Spidey." Excellent observation. Finally Peter mustered the strength to grunt,

"Who are you?" "The name's Deadpool, don't wear it out~" Deadpool replied, winking with a sultry grin.

 _Spidey_ _?_ Peter thought before quite elegantly passing out.

➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴________➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴

Wade may have been a notorious mercenary but that didn't mean he was heartless; This poor guy was obviously in need of assistance and it would go against his skewed morals to simply leave him there. That, and that reason only, is why he ended up carrying him to his apartment. His awful, awful apartment. It was reasonably sized and had 3 rooms that he doesn't actually remember ever needing. There was a balcony and everything but the fact that 'Deadpool' lived there made up for the great quality in terms of shitty-ness. In short, it was trashed. Since he basically couldn't die- he didn't look after himself whatsoever. It would be sufficient to compare his living space to literal trash at this point. With the promised embarrassment this superhero-type seeing the dump he somehow survived in hanging over his head- he decided to clean. Something he hadn't done in years. Ignoring the implications of him cleaning specifically for the man lying on the planks of wood and thin mattress he called his bed, he picked up a super sized black trash bag and got to work. It wasn't like he easily got attached to people or anything (It was). He had been around the area when he found Spidey- a nickname he had subconsciously given him based on the very form-fitting suit he was wearing- and someone who he was in the middle of fighting against. In an act of panic he may have beat them over the head multiple times with a cantilever chair but he saved someone so how he did it doesn't actually matter. He could say with certainty that the Spider guy was definitely much heavier then he looked so overestimating his strength was a terrible choice he and his back would be regretting for many days to come. Nevertheless he still managed to get through the first layer of trash that consisted of: weaponry, empty pizza boxes, wrappers, miscellaneous items he'd stolen from his clients, broken burner phones, empty bullet shells and some things that was just genuinely unidentifiable! The bullet holes in the wall were still a problem though... nothing a framed piece of art (stolen) couldn't fix. He wasn't at the nearly-a-functioning-adult stage yet but he was well on the way. He had even cleared out the fridge of out of date food which included milk so off that it would've become sentient if given another week. After throwing the trash out of his window to the dismay of the neighbours, he went to check up on his unusual guest. Peter was splayed out on the bed, still covered in dirt from laying on the ground because Wade didn't want to take off his suit without his permission or knowledge. He had also refrained from removing his own wear for secret identity reasons and because he looked like a 3rd degree burn all over. The sparks of blue had stopped appearing as frequently but they did still occur, actually shocking Wade once or twice on their way here. Standing in the doorway, he could make out the rise and fall of Peter's chest which suggested he was now asleep. Compared to his muscles and tall stature, Peter was lean with toned arms and a soft stomach. His mind was stuck between thinking,

 _'It's a bit of a creep move to watch him sleep, Wilson, give the guy some space,'_ and 

_'Fuck being a creep this guy has a NICE ass,'_ so he stood there for a few more seconds- or minutes- before leaving. Once again ignoring all and any conclusions drawn from his actions, he opened up his laptop and decided to do a small background check of sorts- to make sure he wasn't harbouring a mass murderer or something. 'Superhero with spider suit'. 

_Please don't be a crackhead, please don't be a crackhead_. To his delight, he was not and there were tons of articles detailing the heroics of a 'Friendly Neighbourhood Spiderman', (Pretty good guess on the nickname to be fair) the most popular by far created by a journalist called Peter Parker who had amazing pictures of the man in Wade's bedroom in action. Seeing the pictures, he did seem familiar at first glace but it had been too dark to recognise anything specific. Wade did notice that the writer hadn't updated in a month when there were usually weekly updates on the page but didn't think of it further, instead finding a web show of sorts that had the complete opposite stance about this Spiderman guy and droned on and on about how he was a 'liability' and a 'danger to society' whilst smoking a fat cigar and rocking a flat-top haircut. Disinterested, Wade moved on. Flicking through images, there were some people who had reported seeing Spiderman, but not like he was usually. This version of Spiderman was tired, dishevelled, visibly in a bad place and looked a lot more like his visitor than any of the other photos. Maybe something had happened in his non-superhero life that was pouring into his superhero life... He shut the laptop screen and whipped around on his chair to come face to face with the man who had been on his screen seconds ago. Unable to control his reflexes, he jumped backwards with a yelp causing the disoriented younger man to do the same and they both ended up on their feet staring the other down.

"Where am I? And how long have I been out it looks like it's nearly noon already" He asked, glancing around, sceptical.

"You're in the humble abode of a certain Wade Wilson, Spidey, any requests?"

"Please just call me Peter," Peter replied, squeezing the bridge of his nose with an exasperated glare,

"Could I just ask- WHY am I in your house?"

"Well because you were unconscious and because I couldn't leave a pretty boy like you on the streets to suffer! Both reasons are equally important but I personally prefer the latter~" Peter couldn't help the blush that spread across his face, attempting to harden his expression while Wade subconsciously catalogued that image in his mind forever.

"How did you even manage to get me here? I would've have literally been dead weight."

"I'm like a scarf trick baby, it's all up the sleeves~" He replied, shamelessly flexing his muscles to Peter's endless embarrassment.

"Well how did you know I'm not some villain? What if I woke up and killed you on the spot?"

"Good question, Spidey-" Peter groaned at the nickname "-But I had already come to the conclusion that you ARE, in fact, a good guy who for whatever reason has become shockingly depressed in the last month or so." Peter spluttered,

"Excuse me! Number 1. I am in a perfect place right now actually and 2. I don't need some stranger trying to analyse my behaviour!"

"Defensive much? And tell that to the state of your suit and the stubble I can literally see through your mask. You look like you've been majorly fucked over by life, what happened that took you from this-" Wade opened up his laptop to a photo of Peter with the mayor of somewhere,

"To... this," He gestured vaguely towards him.

"Not that I'm complaining, I think you're just as attractive as ever~" Wade's flirtatious nature was making Peter feel... things. He felt his face heat up for the second time in the space of a few minutes as he tried and failed to ignore the genuine softness of Wade's tone as he gently pried into his life.

"I... I don't think that's any of your business, Deadpool" Peter couldn't help the pang of heartache that came with being reminded about MJ, even though it had been months. And Wade noticed the change in his body language, even under the suit; Deciding to not bring it up again, he steered the conversation away from whatever it was that made Peter act so drained.

"You can call me Wade you know, as I did mention before. Luckily I'm not a big-shot famous boy like you so I don't really care who knows my name." Peter looks at him incredulously before laughing,

"I'm not famous! And I gave you my name as well." Wade smiled, triumphant.

"Anyway, I need to get back to my apartment to figure out who the fuck attacked me and why. Thank you for... I don't know, everything I guess but I will have you know I don't need your help. I'm not a child." Even Peter himself knew he was lying through his teeth but the words had already left his mouth. Wade didn't entirely want Peter to go, he had been the most interesting thing to happen to him in the few hours they'd been together but he couldn't exactly force him to stay. He opened Wade's window and climbed onto the ledge,

"Bye Wade"

"See you around, Spidey- and don't take that as a saying, I _will_ be seeing your body again if I can help it." He replied about to turn away before Peter abruptly starting convulsing, his limbs trembling uncontrollably while his hands glitched like an error code and the same blue lines of electricity from earlier jerked through his forearms. Wade quickly grabbed and pulled him back in, stopping him from falling to his death as Peter gasped in pain. The shaking was over seconds after it started and Peter slumped into Wade's arms, breathing fast and heavy.

"Shit."

➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴________➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Victorious- Death of a Bachelor  
> "I'm like a scarf trick, baby it's all up the sleeve."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's chapter 2, still no beta so if there's any problems just say :D

Maybe it was fate. Maybe it was the stars aligning. Or maybe just plain bad luck that landed Peter paralyzed and at Wade's mercy for the second time that day. Not that he thought Wade would take advantage of his condition. Probably. The second he'd finished spazzing out on his apartment floor, Wade had become a lot more protective and refused to let him swing anywhere on his own. Which is part of the reason why he was being carried by Wade in the first place, the second part being the fact that Peter needed to get to Aunt May. He knew that if she didn't have answers for why streaks of lightning had decided to make a home in his body, then he would be able to get answers in the secret lab built beneath her house. Fortunately, Wade was very obliging (maybe even suspiciously so) and took on the job of taking him there. Unfortunately, Wade apparently 'knew the city inside out' and insisted on calling a man named Dopinder to take them there. Not to mention that it was nearing the evening by this point and Peter still couldn't feel his feet, numbness spreading through his calves and below. They had been waiting outside Wade's apartment for less than 10 minutes but to Peter it felt like an eternity; He was antsy, aching to do _something_ , and the cold wasn't helping. Even with his suit on he could feel goosebumbs forming along his forearms.  


"Wade are you sure this guy is even coming?"

"Trust me baby boy, he's gonna be here."

The new nickname did not go unnoticed but Peter had other things to worry about. He shifted in Wade's grasp, feelings of guilt stewing in his mind. He should be out there, at this time he would be on patrol. What if someone out there needs him and he's here, nothing but a liability, doing nothing to help them? This city needs him. He can't leave them to fend for themselves, how selfish could he be? Wade felt Peter start to push himself out of his arms, struggling with a fervour that he did not expect.

"What are you doing?" He asked, eyebrows scrunched together in confusion. Peter could barely stand, let alone walk.

"I- I can't just stop. I need to help them. I need to." His voice cracked and as soon as his feet touched the floor he crumpled, falling onto his knees.

"Peter, who are you talking about?" Wade moved towards him, resting a gloved hand on his shoulder, "You're in no fit condition to be saving anyone right now-"

He whipped around, pushing Wade's hand off of his shoulder and once again attempting to stand up, "You don't understand, I have to, it-it's my job, no matter the circumstances. There are people out there who need me how can I just not do anything? How could I be so insensitive?"

Wade crouched down towards him, mouth a thin line of concern, and lifted his chin upwards till they eyes met: his own unfaltering and Peter's on the brink of tears; This caring and attentive side of Wade unknown to him.

"Peter look at me." He insisted, fingers holding his chin, "You cannot save everyone. And that's ok. Being this hard on yourself is just going to make you miserable, trust me."

"I- I know but I just can't help myself sometimes. When I first became Spiderman I was barely an adult, and- and coming to the aid of people was, and is, just everything to me. And I never lost that mind-set. It just... I feel so useless sometimes..."

Peter leaned into Wade's warm palm, gently placing his head on his chest, "I'm so sorry, we barely know each other and I've already started unloading all my problems onto you. Please don't be annoyed-"

"God, baby boy, you're like a regular decorated emergency- of course I'm not annoyed at you! I agreed to take you to your aunts house didn't I? Speaking of which our ride is here."

Dopinder pulled up to the sidewalk in a yellow taxi that had very suspicious red stains lining the back wheels. There was no fucking way that he belonged to a company, not with the blatant dents covering the rear, but Deadpool either didn't notice or didn't care and immediately hoisted Peter up again before practically running to the wound-down window and greeting Dopinder with a grin.

"Long time no see my man! How've you been?"

"Mr Pool! Glad I could be of service."

Wade sat Peter on the back seat, helping him to pull his limp bottom half onto the pleather chairs before pushing the door shut and walking round to the front of the car to sit beside this Dopinder guy. Peter- with good reason- didn't trust him whatsoever and was glad no one could see the obvious distaste on his face. But to be fair, he himself looked like a tramp-turned-superhero so he probably didn't have the right to judge. Paying no attention to the faint smell of blood coming from the boot, Wade finally introduced Peter to their seemingly reliable driver.

"Dopinder, this is Peter-" Peter jerked forwards at the mention of his name, incredulous, "Wade, why the FUCK would you tell him my name!? I'm literally dressed in full suit- do you not understand the meaning of the word 'secret'!?"

Wade turned around to face him, clearly amused by his anger, "Well you told me and we had only just met."

"Yes but you are also wearing a mask- unlike this man beside you- and because of that I assumed you had a secret identity as well and you were therefore _trustworthy_!" He exclaimed, attempting to convey his anger solely through the movement of his upper body.

"Ok Spidey that was a low-blow. Dopinder is the most reliable guy I know- you definitely don't have to worry about him mouthing off to your fans"

"Wow Mr Pool thank you" Dopinder chimed in, grinning.

"Anything for my Jem!"

"And you're my Doug."

Peter rolled his eyes. _The dynamic between these two is so confusing_.

  
➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴________➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴

  
They had arrived at Peter's aunts house by 2pm, and he had to give Wade credit- Dopinder was quick. She lived on the other side of New York and he got them there in less than 4 hours, even with the detour to Peter's apartment so he could grab a different suit that didn't look _as_ messed up as the one he was wearing beforehand. The taxi pulled up directly outside the lime green property and Wade stepped out, whistling.

"Damn Petey, I didn't know your aunt was rich! Why didn't you tell me you were a sugar daddy?"

Peter clambered out of the car, violent pins and needles attacking his calves and feet as feeling returned to his legs.

"It's a detached 2 bedroom, that doesn't shout 'I have loads of money' to me. Plus, I am not a sugar-daddy."

"Ok ok, your ass is too great to be a top anyway~"

Peter slapped his hand to his face, instictively trying to hide the way his neck was burning up before realising Wade couldn't see him and feeling stupid. Peter walked ahead, changing his pace to as fast as he could manage without running.

Wade called after him, "Come on baby boy! That was a compliment!"

Once they reached her door, Peter pushed the bell, the action very familiar to him. He felt kind of awkward randomly appearing like this, seeing as the last time they'd talked was immediately after he and MJ's divorce had gone through. Because he had wanted to seem put-together when he was really crushed into pieces, he had told MJ he had somewhere to live when he, in fact, did not. That resulted in him turning up at May's doorstep, soaking wet from the rain in the middle of the night. He felt like she was the only person he could turn to and she welcomed him with open arms, letting him stay with her for the 2 weeks till he bought the shitty flat he lives in now. So he wasn't exactly sure what she would think seeing him for the second time in the last few months, now with a weird-ass companion that had genuine katanas strapped to his back. Speaking of Wade, Peter looked at him out of the corner of his eye; He was rocking back and forth on his heels like an idiot- as usual. The swell of fondness in his chest threatened to reach his expression but the door they were waiting at was opening and he had no time to confront it. May took one look at him and wordlessly pulled him into a hug. He wrapped himself around her lithe figure and desperately tried not to cry, her evident love briefly filling the crack in his heart.

"Is everything ok?" She breathed, barely loud enough for anyone but him to hear.

"Yes and no, it's a bit of a long story..."

May pulled back and smiled at him, before turning her attention to Wade.

"And who's this? I didn't realise you went for the rugged muscly type."

Peter flushed red.

"He's- It's not-" He blanked, "This is Deadpool-"

"Wade Wilson, at your service!" He bowed in his usual over the top style and beamed like a school-boy at May.

"He's just here because he helped me out 1 (one) time and I don't know how to get him to leave." He punctuated his remark with a glare.

Wade leaned in towards her to loudly whisper, "I actually saved his life so-"

"I would have survived!"

"What, falling from the 5th floor of a building or laying completely immobile in the middle of an alleyway for 12 hours?" He deadpanned.

Peter spluttered, "I-I, well-"

"Point proven."

" _Cocky bitch._ " He retorted, under his breath.

"Hey, I heard that!"

May watched, amused, from the side-lines. She had been sure Peter hadn't entirely recovered from MJ yet, she could feel the way he held onto her while they hugged- as if when he let go she would fade away. But that grieving in his body language disappeared as soon as he turned his attention to Wade, in a manner that she had seen so many times before. Enough times that she even now could imagine in her mind the way that under his mask his sullen expression was replaced by blown pupils and an easing of hard lines across his face that made him seem constantly worried. Peter wouldn't admit anything, May knew this. It was much too early. But he was definitely at least somewhat enamoured with this _Deadpool_ guy, and the only thing she wanted for him was the confirmation that he was good. OK. Happy. If he believed Deadpool could give that to him (Even if he doesn't know it himself) then she would try her best to make sure he did.

"Instead of aimlessly chastising each other why don't you two come in? You can tell me what it is you need over lunch- I actually just made a chicken potpie."

Wade grabbed Peter by a shoulder and shook him frantically, childish glee written all over his face, 

"CHICKEN POTPIE!?" He exclaimed, "I don't even know what that is!" 

May chuckled, "Peter, your friend is very... eccentric to say the least."

"Trust me I know." He replied stroppily, moping through her open door with Wade prancing around at his heels.

She led them into the kitchen, white tables and chairs matching the grey and white tiles lining the floor that made for an appealing look when paired with her pastel mint walls; May had a thing for decor- sue her. While Peter contemplated how he was going to deal with telling his aunt that he might be killed by cobalt lightning, Wade whistled appreciatively at her home theme before pulling out a seat and practically plummeting into it, the chair's legs trembling due to being ill-suited for 230 lbs of muscle. If Peter wasn't already whole-heartedly regretting his decision of letting him be there, then he was sure he would be. How had he been so level-headed while Spiderman had a total break down in front of him and yet currently be a completely different human being? On cue, Wade chuckled to himself completely unprompted.

_Oh right- because he's fucking batshit crazy._

As a matter of fact, Peter didn't know how to deal with _anything_ \- what was new?

  
➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴________➶➴➵➶➴➵➶➴

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You're like a regular-decorated emergency" - Camisado 
> 
> Doug and Jem- The Town (2010)


	3. Chapter 3

"So Peter, what brings you over?" May asked, once they were all sat down at her tidy dining table. She'd served them both around 20 minutes earlier but Wade had finished his first (and second) plate in record time.

"I was heading back from patrol pretty late at night about 2 days ago, when I was... uh attacked."

"You were attacked!?" She almost-screamed, leaning forwards on the table, her face twisted with worry.

"I wasn't hurt! Well, actually I was but–"

"YOU'RE HURT!?" She roared, definitely shouting now. May got up out of her seat and was by his side in seconds, attempting to pull off his mask to check his face for bruises.

"Aunt May! May! It's– It's fine I haven't got any outer injuries– you can't take off my mask! Wade is sitting right there! Stuffing his face, yes, but there nonetheless!"

Wade glanced upwards, completely oblivious of the situation in front of him.

"I wasn't born to be a skeleton like you, Spidey." He mumbled, words garbled due to his face being stuffed with potatoes and pastry. 

"I don't care if he's here!" May exclaimed, "You're the one who brought him, I'd assume you're friends!"

Peter blanked. Wade did kinda save his life and he didn't seem like the 'undercover spy' type. However, he still didn't want him knowing what he looked like– if anything he knew too much already!

"Look, May just stop! I'm fine, see?"

Wade pouted, mirroring May's accusatory stance, "Aw Petey, you don't want wittle old me seeing your face?"

"Fuck–" May raised an eyebrow, "– _Heck_ me, it's my identity not either of yours; I get to decide what I do with it! Now can I PLEASE tell you what's going on?"

Reluctantly, May sat back down in her seat. Wade rolled his eyes before continuing to inhale his plate.

"Christ. As I was saying, I was attacked. And soon enough they had me on the ground, my webs were vaporised upon coming in contact with this stick they were holding. It was like a machete made of voltage, and I sure as hell didn't want it hitting my chest; So I grabbed it."

"You grabbed it!?" Wade interrupted, suddenly interested in the conversation.

"Yes I grabbed it, what the hell would you have done?"

He chewed thoughtfully until he came up with an answer, "I woulda just let it hit me, taken it like a woman!"

Peter struggled to find words, he glanced over at May to make sure he wasn't hearing things and she was just smiling. He decided that focusing on one thing at a time with Wade was the only way he'd manage without losing his mind.

"Like a woman?"

"Yes, Spidey, like a woman. Can you carry a child for 9 months then have it explode out of your privates like a caucasian Jimmy Neutron? No I didn't think so."

He raised his eyebrows, "You know what? I should stop bothering to ask, just drags me deeper into whatever cesspool of thoughts you have in that nutcase of a skull."

"Aw, you know you love it baby!"

May coughed, bored with their constant back and forth. "Anyway..."

"Yeah yeah, sorry–" He glared at Wade, "I grabbed it and it hurt me, bad."

May's eyebrows knitted together, "Ok, why is that a problem? Your healing factor should be able to take care of any injuries you sustain, right?"

"Well, yeah but this weapon was... different. It had some kind of hostile electric current running through it, and when it touched me," He shuddered at the memory, "It felt like I was burning to a crisp. Pain like that is unimaginable, and that's not all. Even after Wade brought me back to his home unconscious, I tried to leave and it shocked me all over again– my legs weren't working for hours!"

"And," Wade chipped in, "When I'd picked up Peter and went to head home, the guy was gone. Kapuff, disappeared."

May looked contemplative for a moment, taking in everything they'd said. "First of all, you said that it shocked you again?" Peter nodded, "That means it's either still in you, or that its altered your body in some way. In either case, we need to get a sample or at least a way to inspect that weapon."

"And how are we supposed to do that? That weapon is probably one of a kind."

"Oh like this?" Wade said, pulling out the very weapon they were talking about from his belt. It had retracted into a black metallic sheath with grooves along its side, "I took it 'cause it looked cool– can't seem to figure out how to get it to open though."

Peter stared.

"Wade I could kiss you."

"Go ahead, Spidey~"

"Hey!" May slammed her hand down on the table, "No flirting in my kitchen!" Ignoring Peter's violent coughing fit she continued, "If you've finished eating we can go down to the Cave and get that thing properly inspected to figure out what's wrong with you, Peter."

Wade looked perplexed as a grin appeared on Peter's face. "Cave?"

"Oh, you'll see." He replied, animated with excitement.

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"Holy shit."

That seemed to be all Wade could say when faced with what looked like a Spider-people specific batcave. They had taken the elevator down and were standing in the foyer, surrounded by computers, vials of some white liquid substance that Wade assumed was web related and tall glass tubes containing many different variations of the suit Peter was wearing.

"I thought stuff like this only existed in the movies." He whispered, in awe.

"Think again." Peter moved past him towards a tube that was empty then turned back to look at May. "Miles been here recently?"

May smiled, "Actually he and Gwen are here now."

With that Peter was ambushed from behind by 2 unsurprisingly strong teenagers. He fell to the ground before struggling his out of under their bodies and onto his feet again.

"Jesus, you guys are just full of energy." He panted, pulling them both into a hug, "I've missed you."

Miles laughed, wriggling away as Peter tried to playfully smack him over the head, "May didn't say you were coming! We dropped by and couldn't resist trying out some of the outfits..."

"Oh so that's why you look like roadside bandits."

"No need to hate, old man." Miles lectured while strutting around, showing off his outfit.

He was wearing a brown cowboy hat with laces trailing down over his masked face, the actual suit was red and black– as his style commanded– but the tall brown western boots seemed a bit overkill, not to mention with the matching gloves. Gwen probably could have pulled it off if it weren't for the monotone bandana she'd tied around her face, which was completely unnecessary seeing as she was still donning her trademark white outfit that already did the job of covering her face. She was basically wearing the same ridiculous ensemble as Miles in white.

"Please don't tell me you're going to start fighting like that."

"Hell no." They both said at the same time, bursting into giggles.

"What would we even call ourselves?" Gwen quipped.

"Ooh the 2 muskateers!"

"That's so shit." She rolled her eyes, turning to Peter again. "Who's the gun enthusiast?" He assumed she was referring to Wade, who was busy pressing buttons and looking around.

"Hey don't touch that!" He sighed, exhasperated, "That's Wade. He's been following me around since he helped me out 2 days ago. I'm not entirely sure how to get rid of him so you're going to have to deal that chaos for a bit."

"Hello children! I didn't realise there were _more_ of you Spider-people." Wade greeted, suddenly standing beside Peter.

"Uh huh, this isn't all of us. Something to do with a multiverse–long story."

"I'm 15." Miles retorted.

"I'm 17." Gwen copied.

"This is Miles, this is Gwen. Make nice." Peter pointed to each of them in turn.

Wade pursed his lips before shaking his head, "First you are young; then you are middle-aged; then you are old; then you are wonderful. I–" He said, pointing a thumb at himself jovially, "–am at the wonderful stage."

There was a _long_ silence.

"Come on! You don't know 'A Short Life of Trouble', thats a classic! Amateurs."

Miles leaned towards Peter and faux-whispered, " _This_ is who you're boning?"

The brown haired mans face lit aflame and his saliva got caught up in his throat, as he coughed his lungs out Wade looked off into the distance wistfully, "Tapping dat ass only happens in my dreams..."

A grin broke out on Gwens face. "I like him, seems cool."

 _Yeah 'seems' is the word to focus on_ , Peter thought, still in the middle of trying to catch his breath. Once he was done dying, he called May over to get himself analysed.

"I installed a FBS, very high tech. It's able to detect anything from a tumour to blood abnormalities, perfect for your situation."

"FBS?" Wade asked.

"Full body scanner, not the most techincal name but it does the job." She walked over to Peter and told him to take off his shoes, putting them aside.

"You guys might wanna go, we've got some serious business to deal with."

"No way! What's the business?" Gwen tilted her head slightly, trying to figure out what he was hiding just by staring at him.

"We want in!" Miles joined in, sizing Peter up like a steak.

"I really think this is out of your dept–"

And this time he could feel it. His spider sense had become accustomed to this new ambush of charge inside him, and it alterted him accordingly; as though that would help. Peter was no longer standing. He was on his back showered in sparks, twitching involuntarily. The pain was there, rippling through his body in waves however it was secondary, because now he felt a new sensation. The lightning streaking through his veins, boiling his blood. He could feel that. He could feel every millisecond of it.

When he came to, vision blurry and blinking uncontrollably, Miles and Gwen were by his side being careful not to touch him. Wade was kneeling in front of him and he realised he was on his back, sprawled out on the floor and breathing in short bursts. Where's May? He wants to see May.

"Hey I think he's waking up!" Someone called out... he couldn't put a name to the voice, head too foggy.

"Whrs Ma...Mahy?" He was slurring, why was his tongue so heavy?

"I think he's trying to say something."

"Mah? What's that?"

"May, he's talking about May. I'm fluent in drunk speak actually."

That was Wade. He could recognise his voice anywhere. All rumbly and deep and playful. Why? Doesn't matter. He should get up.

"May get over here! He's trying to get up."

There was a firm grip on his rising shoulder, slowly pushing Peter back down.

"Steady on, amigo. You aren't in the clear yet."

Wade again. Wade is so nice. So silly. He laughed. Why did he laugh?

"I'm not sure what's wrong with him... This happened earlier in his apartment but he wasn't like... _this_. All drugged up."

Peter could hear all the talking but the words didn't make any sense. He wonders what they're talking about, maybe him?

"Give me a sec, we should get him into the FBS. It's unfortunate but perfect timing, if he's just had an attack then there will be a better chance of us actually finding anything."

This person was female for sure. And kind of old sounding, probably May.

"I think you should knock him out, give him time. His eyes aren't even focused."

"I don't know..."

"It's not gonna get any better, we have to do something! What if its hurting?"

"Shit. I didn't even think of that." There was muffled sounds of a cabinet opening before the disembodied voices returned.

"Here, get him to drink this."

"Open wide, Spidey."

And the darkness welcomed him with open arms, pulling his pliant mind into slumber.

  
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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I wasn't born to be a skeleton" - She's a handsome woman
> 
> feel like this is really shitt-ily written but i haven't posted in ages. once again i am SUPER amateur at story telling. leave a kudo or a comment if you enjoyed.


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